mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
