Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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