Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
