My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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