if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
