we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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