The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
