just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
