just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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