he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
