dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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