Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
