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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
