I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
God, I missed his penis.
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