I need to stop coming to work sober
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
