nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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