Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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