This is not my ceiling
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I am one with the molecules
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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