Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
