How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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