she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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