He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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