He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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