Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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