Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
