the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
