I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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