I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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