we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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