Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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