i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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