woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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