I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
