he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
