ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
