matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Randomize
