Jerry, you need to find god
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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