hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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