so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
