the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
