I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
