I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
