Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
