The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
