EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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