i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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