She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
