Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
