New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It was like giving head to a cactus.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
