you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
