im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
