My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
