I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
