so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
