i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
