I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
