Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
