we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
