Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
