I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
