I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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