Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
