Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just want to make out with him forever
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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