you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
