I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
