I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
